The CARS 2 we needed, not the CARS 2 we deserved

   The Cars 2 we needed,

not the Cars 2 we deserved.

Not even with night vision goggles could we have seen this coming!

   Hello Blogladites!! Once again acclaimed nobody Joey here! Today I wanna talk about something that I can honestly say at first was no real 'biggie' for me, my life went along fine like a balloon in the wind, not a care in the world. But something has slowly started eating away at me until I found myself laying wide awake one evening, staring at the ceiling, convinced there was a piece of my soul missing. Then it hit me...CARS 2 was a terrible movie!! Not only was it bad, it was bad by Pixar standards, and if you know your Pixar movies then you know that it makes for an exceptionally well made and character driven turd.

   Now, having dealt with this terrible realization, I must warn of the fragile ledge into alcoholism this film leaves me perched on, but I would not be the Joey people have come to tolerate if I didn't dive in and overly critique this harmless children's movie. And by harmless I mean I'm sure there is a terribly disfigured portrait of John Lasseter in an attic some where. (more on this clunky Dorian Grey reference later)

    May 26th, 2006 movie theaters across the county unspooled a film called "Cars" by Disney/Pixar. The television and print adds to this movie were supported by a seemingly basic idea- "Hey you knows those weird cars from the Chevron commercials? Here's two hours of them! Also, Larry the Cable Guy!?" Speaking personally, had this film not had 'Pixar' in the title, I would never had seen it. But that weekend I watched a film that hit me emotionally like a proverbial ton of bricks.

     Cars 1 tells the tale of hot shot rookie race car Lightning McQueen who while on route to a championship Nascar-like race in California, runs afoul of a small town in the desert. Due to a wacky turn of events Lightning must stay in town and put right what once was wrong, Bakula-style. Along the way he befriends an imbecile and, being the only attractive 'male' car in town, falls in love with the local hottie. During his time in small town CarsUSA, Lightning learns the value of friendship, love, respect for elders, the hilarity of racial stereotypes, Larry the Cable Guy isn't funny in any medium, and an undieing love for route 66.

America: A Disney Company

   This movie was amazing, albeit inspired. Indeed, the plot of Cars is essentially a remake of a fairly unremarkable movie from 1991 called Doc Hollywood starring Micheal J Fox, Woody Harrelson, and Julie Wagner (who is someone apparently). Same premise really, hot shot someone on route to somewhere must stay in po-dunk somewhere else to fix accidentally caused hi jinks, lessons are learned on both sides. And there is an imbecile.

Get er' done...weed

  As I've stated Cars was amazing!! The movie, which could have been a one note series of cars-related puns and site gags was in fact a mix of action, and sentimentality. Highlighted in the narrative was a longing for simpler times, not only as a country but in ones own life. Whats more important: the hustle and bustle of everyday life, or the whimsy of waxing nostalgia. Although the movie was set in a crazy cars themed world with all its horrifying implications (again more on that later), the real world sentiment was there. Remove Racecar McRacingcar, and insert your self. Powerful stuff.
   I do not want to boast or brag, but for the interest of this article, I must share this because it conveys just how much this movie effected me and how much I loved it.


shame: thy name be merchandising

  This is a photo of my personal collection of Disney Cars toys. There are over 150 different carded cars including variants, repaints, two packs, minis, trucks, etc. Name a character I probably got it. Elvis RV, Fred, Dale Earnhardt Jr., a dozen different McQueens. So there's my shame laid out for the interwebs. But I make no apologies for the fondness I had for this movie.
  So imagine my surprise and excitement 3 long years ago when I heard that Pixar was making Cars 2. No plot points hinted, no screen shots, just a Cars 2 title card and the promise of fun, excitement, and...I don't know wishes granted?...I was too ecstatic to think straight.
   As the June 18th, 2011 approached, more and more pieces of the movie started being revealed thru the ad campaigns. New characters! Adventures around the world! Micheal Caine! There were no warning of the impending terribleness that was too follow.

Can you spot the difference?

   Cars 2 opens nationwide, during its theatrical run grosses a WTF $559,852,396. It stared the main cast of Cars, as well as adding Eddie Izzard, Bruce Campbell, Jason Isaacs, the aforementioned Micheal Caine, John Turturro, and Joe Montegna. It looked great, it was action packed it was...empty. Nothing, no heart, no soul, no anything. It was two hours of...nothing. Absolutely nothing. Oh here was something about alternative fuel, evil villainy?, and Larry the Cable Guy at his most Larry the Cable Guy-ey-est. Anything in the way of garnishing any emotional attachment was completely nonexistent.
    Cars 1 was inspired by Doc Hollywood, Cars 2 was inspired as well. Sadly it was inspired by the worst parts of a few other movies. First off, the whole world grand prix thing was taken almost directly from the movie Speed Racer, now I wont get into a tangent on the Speed Racer movie (OK I lied, I LOVE THE SPEED RACER MOVIE!!!! ITS FUNNY, ITS INSANE, ITS JUST PLAIN AWESOME) OK I'm back. But yeah, same set up and almost the same motivation, stage a big world wide race then sabotage your own interests to increase corporate profits on stocks or something. Pretty lack-luster really. Pixar didn't seem to learn from the mistakes that Speed Racer made...kids don't care about the inner workings of business embezzlement and things like that. Its what also hindered the Flintstones movie actually. 

      So yes, Cars 2 was terrible. But, like I said, it grossed almost 560 million. They are as we speak finishing up an entire Cars theme world at Disney California Adventures, and a direct to DVD spin-off called Planes. Inevitably I'm sure the Cars well will be returned to, and hopefully the return will be worth the trip. Toy Story 2, albeit enjoyed by me, was not as well received as it could have been, but Toy Story 3 was amazing!!

God your effing evil Lot-so!!

  Ok, I've rambled enough. Instead of complaining all day, I can at least offer some help. Some sage advice from a boy whose spent a more of his life then he cares to think about watching TV and movies. Instead of a traditional list tonight, I offer some random musings and thoughts on this awful movie. There is no rhyme or reason to these pondering, mostly just throwing them out there to stave off the call of the alcohol shakes.
   
                                                      Ways that would have improved
                                                   Cars 2: Patches Maters London Adventure
    *Cars 2 takes place 4 years or so after the events of Cars 1. Lightning McQueen has won the Piston Cup every year since. Jubilation!! That was a major plot driver in the first movie and the one thing that showed us what kind of character Lightning was. By quitting the race to help The King finish before him, he showed us his compassion, respect for his elders, and the powers of friendship.
In Cars 2 Lightning shows almost none of these characteristics. The movie shows McQueen returning to Radiator Springs, site of his racing head quarters, his best friend, his girl friend, and most likely, his own home. Yet, there is this awkward detachment from himself and his home town. He races a few months out of the year and is gone, when he returns its up to Mater to entertain him like he's never been there before. Radiator Springs is nice, but ideally if you've lived there for over 4 years, you have an idea at least of how to spend your days. Why was there such a detachment from the town?
     *Sadly Paul Newman passed before this movie was made. Wisely Pixar chose to acknowledge his passing by inferring that Doc Hudson had passed as well. In my opinion it was a classy move. It is nice to see beloved characters brought back to life by using equally talented actors, (Slinky Dog, Fillmore, etc) but this was a wise move because it put in place a devise to give the audience an emotional foot hold, so to speak. But, unfortunately this opportunity was wasted. A passing mention of him being gone, and that's it. Moving on, we gotta a road race in Italy to win! Ugh, such a wasted moment! Here is my thought: Why not have Cars 2 have two plots. One takes place in present time with Lightning and Mater being all racey. The second would be a simultaneous story of Young Doc Hudson competing in a similar race or similar set of circumstances. Young Doc could have easily been recast by a talented actor with a younger voice. Show the big race in 54 that took Doc out of the racing world and what lead him to Radiator Springs in the first place. Shoot, even Larry the Cable Guy could be there! They establish in Cars 1 that almost every character have been there since the hey-day of the town. Doc Hudson's heroes journey would make for a really good story.
     *One of the (many) things that I thought was off in Cars 2 was McQueen and Sallys relationship. That was a major plot point in the first movie, and again it is just skipped over. In the first film, Sally teaches McQueen that life can be more enjoyable if you slow down and relax. In Cars 2, McQueen returns from what we can assume was months away racing in the Piston Cup. First she justs laughs at McQueen and Maters funny antics, then out of nowhere she loses her shit over a thinly veiled taunt by a 'rival' whom she has the hots for, and pushes McQueen to leave again and take his buddy with him. Ok, we've established that this world is just a Car-ized real world. With real emotions and real relationships. Put your situation in that situation: you or your loved one leaves for months at a time for there work. A job where there is really no reason for you not to go with them. When they return home you would want to spend time with them, yet Sally immediately sends Lightning away with his Buddy. Would your husband/wife wish for you to just leave again if you were gone all the time? This time for no pay? All over the world, with your trouble making friend?
    *Speaking of Sally being out of character, what was with McQueen? The whole movie pretty much McQueen is embarrassed and is down right mean to Mater. They are best friends, yet he acts more ashamed of him now, after over 4 years, then he did the first week they met. Also, I know that Mater is the comic relief of this movie, but did he take 'Tard pills? He bumbles thru this movie with such 'dip-shitiness' (tm) that it seems if he were laying flat on the carpet he wouldn't have enough sense to turn his head and breathe. Here is a direct quote from John Lassiter about his inspiration for this film:
       "I kept looking out thinking, 'What would Mater do in this situation, you know?' I could imagine him driving around on the wrong side of the road in the UK, going around in big, giant traveling circles in Paris, on the autobahn in Germany, dealing with the motor scooters in Italy, trying to figure out road signs in Japan"
   Ok, that thought does seem funny John, but really? You have shown to be a master story teller. Wall-E, Up, you even helped make Mickey's Christmas Carol (another great film). I think the deal you made with the devil is winding down, I would think about covering up that picture of yourself in the attic. (told you I'd get back to the Dorian Grey reference).
    *The Villain: In Cars 1 you had a clear cut, easily identified villain. Chic Hicks. He was self involved, he was a bully, he was the bad guy. The sequel, who the hell knows. Dr. Z? Miles Axelrod? Bernolli? Or even better, why the convoluted plot? What is the motivation for anything. I'm an adult, I am learned, I have seen and followed Casino, yet I could not put my finger on this plot. Miles Axelrod develops and then sabotages his own alt-fuel, one that actually has real world benefits, just to increase the profits of his own crude oil resources? That is one way to increase your bottom line, give people distrust in your brand I guess. I don't know, I just don't see why 8 year old kids couldn't follow this logic.
      *Micheal Caine is the shit!! But doesn't it seem that he is sorta the Ted McGuinley of movies. Lets bring him in to boost the franchise, yet that doesn't seem to happen. Journey 2, Austin Powers 3, Jaws: The Revenge, now Cars 2. Hmmm  - by the way, bonus points for anyone who knows Ted McGuinley or the reference.
     *Wouldn't a movie about Stanley and Lizzie coming in and settling Radiator Springs and having everything all old timey and Car-izised be awesome!!!
   

  Alright, I can stop beating this dead horse. Cars 2 was full of action, lots of stuff to look at, and sadly a lot of effort went into it. Hopefully, enough interest in the future will garner another movie and hopefully all will be right in my Pixar loving Cars world. But until then, here is a my multimedia salute to Cars 2:

 I think for this article I want to leave you with one final thought. One final realization that I think will put everything into perspective as to the awfulness of this movie.

In Cars 2, a movie made for a core audience of children. A car who is a living breathing person in straight up murdered. His body is filled with a toxic chemical which is slowly microwaved until his very insides boil and he dies a slow, painful, horrendous death. 

Good night my friends, until next time.

Joey Maxey- acclaimed nobody 

5 INSANE WAYS UNCLE JOEY AFFECTED YOUR LIFE...

Greetings from the interweb my fellow bloga-blogites, acclaimed nobody Joey here with another adventure. Today I offer a perplexing journey, an unspoken oddity that will hopefully shake the very core of your adolescence.

                 5 Insane Ways Uncle Joey Affected Your Life...



your gonna want to sit down

      You see that man up there? That man is Uncle Joey Gladstone from televisions "Full House". For those people who slept thru the late 80's to mid 90's, "Full House" was a sacrine filled television sitcom about clean freak widower Danny Tanner raising his three precocious daughters, (the two younger of which each had there own cute catch phrases) along with his Grecian brother-in-law Jessie and apparent transient turned "Uncle" Joey, again each with there own trove of catch phrases. The show featured a weekly morality tale about the strengths of family values and the draw of said witty catch phrases. A main staple of this show was the comedy styling of Uncle Joey, one Mr. Dave Coulier.
   Dave Coiler is was a veritable tour de force of different comedic strengths. He can do impressions (Popeye, bluto, um... indeterminate moose, Popeye), puppetry, and 'jokes'. All of which were heavy utilized, and ran into the ground, on the show.
    Outside of this show, which I can happily admit was a favorite of mine on the legendary ABC TGIF lineup, Dave Coulier lead an amazing, almost Forest Gump-ian journey thru different aspects of pop culture. I am not talking about a Bakula-esk creation of things that came after. I am talking about a dopey chanuk who happened to bumble his way into and witnessed almost everything you've experienced as you have grown up the past almost 30 years.
   Things like....

5. The Beef
    After you read this, call your mom. Ask her who Shai Labeouf is. Guess what she will say, "oh yes I know him! He's that nice boy from that Indiana Jones movie your dad likes so much!"
     Shia Labeouf is a young actor who in the course of a few short years, has successfully run scatter shot over every thing you loved as a child. He was the lead character in Micheal Bays destruction of the Transformers, a monkey boy who witnessed Indy tangle with ET, and out Charlie Sheened Charlie Sheen in Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. Also sadly I hear that an inevitable remake/sequel to the Goonies will be ruined by him. All these atrocities were prophesied in Mr. The Beef first major studio film release.
   In early 2004, Shia appeared in a made for TV movie of the show he co-starred in, The Even Stevens Movie. An oddly inspired movie about Shia and his family's hi jinks on a rigged island reality show. The film was good enough to lead Mr. Shia to other projects like Disney's Holes and vaguely Rear Windowish Disturbia. Like a terrible Rube Goldberg devise, these minor hit roles lead Shia to his career of destroying your childhood.
    Now we sit here in 2012, a vast waste land of big budget travesties lead by The Beef.  Imagine if that little shows movie send off had been a failure? Would Shia be the leading man is his today? Who knows, but do you know who was there when all this began?

Hey remember my promising SNL career? Anyone?

     Yup, Dave was there! Had he seen the future he could have ended it. A slight nudge and the whole world would have been one cliff fall away from a Transformers, Indy 4, Wall Street 2 - less future.

4. I've heard this voice somewhere before?
    Quick, name a voice you've heard Dave Coulier do? If your an astute reader, then of course you said Popeye from earlier in this article. Oh how I envy your innocence. It goes so much deeper then that!
       Fact: Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air played Shredder on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
       Fact: Dottie from Pee Wee's Big Adventure played Tommy Pickles from Rugrats
       Fact: Uncle Joey from Full House played  Animal and Bunsen Honeydew on the Muppet Babies, Rick Moranis's Bob McKenzie on the Bob & Doug McKenzie cartoon, Scooby Doo-Fred Flintstone-Popeye on Robot Chicken, several voices on Pinky and the Brain, Dexter Laboratory, The Little Mermaid show, Teen Titans, the Original Scooby and Scrappy Doo, Felix the Cat in recent incarnations,  oh and while were on the subject...Peter Venkman on the Real Ghostbusters!! Yes, Dave Coulier stepped in for Bill Murray on over 100 episodes in three different Ghostbusters TV shows and NO ONE ever knew!!! This goober was schlepping it up with Michelle Tanner on Friday nights, then going over and doing spot on Ghostbuster Bill Murrays on Saturday mornings!!!



Pictured: Perfect cartoon versions of Ackroyd, Murray, Ramis, and Hudson
by someone who had no idea who those people are.


3. ____ beget Jackass, beget Americas Got Talent, beget Tosh.0 
     Earlier I mentioned a Rube Goldberg devise. One thing makes another thing happen, which does another, etc. Here is another example of how one thing does another and so on.
     Picture it 1989. One of the most popular televisions show at the time was simply a show where you sent in your dumb home movies of your grandpa getting hit in the junk with a football, or your granny flashing her unmentionables after falling out of her chair, would be played on prime time TV while Full House's Bob Saget tried in earnest to polish turds to make you laugh between each clip. This show, the aptly named "Americas Funniest Home Videos", was insane! My family as well sent in our goofy tapes in hopes to win the big $100,000 prize at the end of each season. This gem of a show had a near cult following at the time. Every one would turn in to see what crazy things people had done out there and to point and laugh.
      One of the unforeseen things to come from this show was the "intentional" videos that were sent in. Staged videos being passed as accidents-"oops i sawed that tree down on top of my car". The producers of the original show came up with a logical solution, a spin-off. A show where they would want people to sent in videos of them selves doing stupid things on purpose for money! And guess what, this little show will have a stand up comedian host that make funny jokes about the videos. We will call it "Americas Funniest People".
    Ok, hold that concept right there, a television show where people do stupid things and they are video taped? Hmm interesting (like Jackass?) . And each video will feature people of varying skills and talents competing for the same prize? Hmm ok (like Americas got Talent?) . And each video will be introduced and laughed about by a stand up comedian. Ok, I'm sold! (Get Danial Tosh on the phone)
   Alright, I am not saying that "America's Funniest People" alone spawned all these other shows. I'm saying that the show itself was a neat place to see crazy and funny videos which in turn helped steer America toward a singularity where all there nutty videos, whether staged or by accident, could be housed and enjoyed forever...You Tube.  
     That's Incredible, Star Search, Americas Funniest Home Videos/People, all these daffy shows all led up to what become You Tube. Any batshit thing you wanna see can now be searched up and viewed at any moment, and laughed at with your buddies. These shows, slowly over the years, brought us to this point of instant Grandpa/football/groin satisfaction.
   OH! And before I forget..

That's were the least amount of shame is?

Dave hosted that!                                         
   
   2. You Oughta Know ....by Now

    VH1 in 2000 compiled a list of the top 100 songs of the 1990's. The list was made to showcase all the best of what made the nineties so nineties-y. #12 on the list is by all accounts as nineties as they come. The song its self is a extra large glass of coffee bar cappachino flowing over with Doc Martin boots and flannel shirts. The song of course is Alanis Morrisettes "You Oughta Know".
    In 1995, America was delivered a nice angst filled little pixie from our neighbors from the north. Alanis Morrisette brought with her a little album she made with Flea and Dave Navarro of all people called "Jagged Little Pill". If you've never listened to this album in its entirety I highly recommend it. Its a crazy mix of mid nineties slacker counter culture, crazy stalker, and grr i hate my ex energy. The one song that got most Americans to the party was "Hand in my Pocket", what made them stay and caused America to fall in love with Alanis was "You Oughta Know".
   "You Oughta Know", or YOK for the sanity of this writer, is a lovely little song about the magic and wonders of two souls in love as the pledge there love for each other in eternal bliss.....Ha just kidding! Its a hate filled rant from a jaded ex-girlfriend as she lays a guilt trip on her former boyfriend.
   This tune is like a cliff notes version of every terrible thing an ex as yelled at you during a break-up, or what you may have ranted to an ex about your self. Alanis herself has said in a number of interviews that the feeling and emotions in this song came from a real terrible break-up in her personal life. One could argue that this song was a catalyst or at least contributed to many other strong woman led music of the era, think 4 non blondes, Edie Brickel, hell even Spice Girls to a lesser, prettier degree.
    And the Ex that caused such anger in young Alanis? The man that spun her into and out of the future arms of Ryan "God I hate Green Lantern" Reynolds? Yes...Dave Coulier!


A 5 plus an 8 = meh

I want you to visualize Alanis and Uncle Joey getting all sweaty in a movie theater next time you hear that song. 
  
 1. Every thing you ever watched as a kid 
 
  I have a fun game we should play, get out a pen and paper or an empty word doc and just from memory and memory alone try this exercise: From you earliest memory to today...name every Nickelodeon television show you ever watched or at least knew about. Start writing!   In the interest of inclusion I will play as well.
 
     Nickelodeon TV shows: Salute your Shorts, Hey Dude, Round House, Don't Just Sit There, You Can't do that on Television, Clarissa Explains it All, Rugrats, All Grown Up, All That, Kenen and Kel, Pete&Pete, Are you afraid of the Dark, The Amanda Show, Double Dare, Super Slopy Double Dare, Finders Keepers, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Today's Special, I'm Telling, Guts, SpongeBob squarepants, Jimmy Neautron, Ned's Declassified, Angry Beavers, CatDog, Aahh Real Monsters, Doug, iCarly, Drake and Josh, Fifteen, Rocko, Ren & Stimpy, Victorious, Hey Arnold, The Wild Thornberrys, Invader Zim, Catscratch, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Secret World of Alex Mac.......

  OK, now factor in all the shows that Nickelodeon acquired over the years that you personally enjoyed growing up. Think Nick at Nite, and Nick Jr. That is a huge chunk of ALL our adolescent television watching. I'll bet your Nickelodeon list is infinitely larger then say a Disney Channel or Cartoon Network list!
  Nickelodeon, or as the cool kids call it Nick, has dominated not only children's cable television but the whole of cable television for over 3, yes THREE decades!! It is were the best original programming comes from and where some of the greatest television shows ended up. Hell, right now they are working on a brand new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles show...RIGHT NOW!!!

Power Rangers come and go, but you 4 still kick ass!

                              
But...that's not the way it always was.
    In 1977, as Cable Television was slowly becoming a 'thing', distributors like Warner Cable soon found them selves with 'channels' that strangely needed 'shows'. Enter a tiny start-up channel with a cutesy little name called Pinwheel and a novel idea of airing kids programming. Programming which was imported from Canada. Everything was going fine till around 1984 when Warner Cable said, "ya know, 'You Can't Do That On Television' is all great but, maybe you should make some original shows?"
  So Pinwheel, with there new "make original shows" orders re branded and recreated them selves. First thing was to change the name of the channel itself from Pinwheel to Nickelodeon, (quaintly named after the creepy peep shows our sailor grand pappys watched on shore leave), and a few original shows went into production.
   The very first show was a sketch/talk show with You Can't do that on Television sensibilities but with a splash of good ol' American crazy called "Out of Control". The show featured uber 80's wacky-ness and guest stars like Bruce Baum and Bill Bixby. It ran only for a year and a half but in its short run it was a hit which gave Nick the momentum to create other shows like Mr. Wizards World and Double Dare, slowly green sliming its way to becoming the juggernaut channel/magazine/theme park/movie studio/this authors childhood it is today.
  But lets play devils advocate, what if that first show, "Out of Control" was a failure? And if it was, Nick would have had much of a chance of surviving as Alisters brand new piano key tie would have stayed clean after saying I don't know. Had Nick not lasted, re look at your list of shows, and imagine ALL of them gone! No Double Dare, Rugrats, Clarissa, Ren & Stimpy, all of it gone! What a sad sad childhood we all would have had. But thanks to the first show, "Out of Control", we all know now that a giraffes tongue is black, log is good for boy and girl, and whenever you don't know the answer...taking a physical challenge is sometimes your best option.
   Oh, before I forget. The silly yet even mannered straight man host of "Out of Control" was quick with 'jokes', could do funny impressions, and had a cute little saying he liked to toss around every now and then when things got a little nuts. He would put his fingers up like a pair of scissors and say "Cut-It-Out" , god help me, his name ... was Dave Coulier.  


Are you effing kidding me!?!?



A thought to cry your self to sleep tonight:

   Uncle Joey was there when Shia Labouf began destroying our childhoods,

a childhood that he himself witnessed.   

Until next time Blogites!   

 

If you love it...you must destroy it

     Evening dear reader!!
 Acclaimed nobody Joey here! Today I want to talk about something that I hold dear to my heart. Something that I love more then anyone should. Now I can sit here and go on and on about how amazing and life changing this is, but instead id rather give you reasons why it is terrible and if you still love it as much as I do when this is all over, then you sir/ma'am are truly a "good one".  I want to talk about a spectacular little film series, the first installment alone earned over $380 million and that as in mid 1980's, which is like $17 trillion now (I think...I don't know numbers), and it made over night stars out of almost every actor involved. The first movies plot it simple enough, insane old man steals nuclear fuel rods which he then installs in a coke dealers shiny car, which is then inadvertently stolen by a white trash delinquent who uses the car to make out with his mom, help his dad sucker punch himself a future man servant, and completely rob an entire race of there contributions to a whole genre of music. I'm talking about a little movie called "Back to the Future".

Not Pictured: Sanity

         For those of you who haven't seen it, and therefore don't understand the concept of joy, a little plot clarification. Reverend Jim Christopher Lloyd plays "Dr" Emmet Brown who invents a time machine out of a DeLorean. His friend Alex Keaton Micheal J. Fox plays Marty McFly, a ward of sorts to the said "Dr". On the night of the first field test of Doc Browns machine, and after a wacky turn of events (involving missile packing nuclear armed terrorists) Marty accidentally sends himself and the car into 1955, which is crazy cause Marty is from 1985!!! With Marty and his 80's sensibilities free to run amok in the quaint 50's version of his home town (quick side note: Martys hometown set of Hill Valley was also Kingston Falls from the Gremlins), high jinx quickly ensue as in the course of one morning he keeps the chance encounter between his parents that leads to them falling in love from occurring which puts his entire future in jeopardy, plus ensues the wrath of his dads old bully Biff. If you wanna know how it all turns out I will let you watch the film, but I will say that love is restored, Biff gets his come-upance, and all is made for the better in good old 1985. (although the implications that Marty, by playing Johnny B. Goode at the school dance, leads to Chuck Berry recording that song, thus making Micheal J. Fox responsible for 'inventing' Rock n Roll does have some sort of underlining racism there..somewhere)
    The Back the Future movie, and to a MUCH greater extent the sequels, had an unmeasurable amount of impact on my life. The very notion of going back in time, and changing the events in your past for the better, is stuff that dreams, (and Scott Bakula TV shows) are made of. Who doesn't have some event in there past that if went just a little differently would have completely changed and improved your life, or for that matter, who doesn't have someone in there life they would benefit from going back and visiting with. A lost family member, your old teacher, or heck, your younger self! Once they get over the shock of there fatter, wrinkly older self frantically yelling at them to stay away from some 1 event ten years from then, they might actually benefit from that experience (or completely go off the twist), ether way, problem averted!
   This concept, admittedly ridiculous from any sort of scientific stand point, captivated me as a younger man. I was only 5 when the first one came out in 1985 (how old/young do you feel?), but when the sequel, the infinitely imaginatively titled Back the the Future 2 was released, I was at the impressionable age of 9. I remember first hearing that the sequel was being made, and hearing that Marty McFly might have to be recast by Ralph Machio (Marty crane kicks Biff!). But of course almost the entire cast came back and the movie was amazing!! Again, 9 year old Joey...easily entertained. Oh that was a great summer, eagerly waiting through endless previews and pizza hut commercials with those crazy awesome solar shade sunglasses they were selling.


As seen on a hipster near you in 3...2...

    If the first film with all its wackiness was odd but still love-able the second one is just pants crapping insane! It literally starts as the first one ends, although everyone is 5 years older except Claudia Wells who seemed to be afflicted with Elizabeth Shue-itis. Marty, Doc, and Jennifer (Martys apparently shape-shifting girlfriend), fly off in broad daylight to 2015, to keep Marty and Odo's greasy kids from doing illegal future things. Again, high-jinx ensue and after the world is introduced to Hover Boards, self operating clothes, and Elijah Wood, the main villain from the 1st film, Biff, now a crotchy bitter old man, probably from years of servitude to Martys dad, steals the now flying time machine, and takes it back to 1955 to give his younger self a book full of sports scores, and vague, non-descriptive warnings about people who will surely be coming to take his newly acquired golden ticket to anything he ever wanted. (Just say Doc and Marty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)   Unbeknownst to Doc and Marty but knownst to us, the DeLorean is returned back safely and they are none the wiser, until they go back to 1985! And its a nightmare!! Imagine all the most coke fueled stories you can imagine from Trumps Atlantic City circa 1985, but in a southern California suburb. The current horrendous state of Hill Valley, with its gambling/toxic waste based econamy is the result of young Biff using his sports book to buy himself the sets of Escape from New York and Scarface, and making everyone stay there like some nutty twilight zone rerun. Doc and Marty use some top-notch sleuthing skills to figure out that the event that triggered this nightmare world of big boobed Lea Thompsons and legal gambling, was in the past, so off they go back to 1955...again.

But wait, theres more!

     Confused? Good! Cause that just leads up to the third act of this beautiful agony which puts us right back were we started, the events of the first film in 1955, but with a new Rosencrantz and Gildenstern are Dead level of wackiness. All the events of the first film must play out as the are supposed to, the incestuous kiss, the emasculating Biff slap, etc. But this time Marty must stop Biffs little gang made up of Billy Zane and two other guys who aren't Billy Zane from jumping the Marty from 5 years ago/3 days ago and get the sports book back to again, thus Quantum Leap there futures as they already did. But alas, the plot makes its drunken toddlers way to a fitting conclusion and everything wraps up nicely until.... Boom! an unforeseen curve ball! A lightning bolt vaporizes Doc and the time machine leaving Marty stranded in 1955! But he's from 1985!!!   But thankfully with an M. Knight Shamalamadingdong-type twist. A strange man from SCTV appears and gives Marty a letter from Doc written from the year 1885. Awesome! Just when we couldn't get any more convoluted with our plot, our way out arrives! And sets up Back to the Future 3: Tokyo Drift!!
      As the final part of this trilogy opens, Marty has enlisted Doc circa 30 years ago, to help him get back...to the...future (ugh) but in a last minute realization that Doc is now dead, (He doesn't live to be 170?), Marty goes back to the Ol' West for some rootin tootin good times, featuring a guest appearance by ZZ Top! The ensuing jinx, of the highest caliber, involves Marty and Doc figuring out a way to get the now outta gas flightless time machine, thanks to Indians and southern California desert bears?, to be drivable once again. This adventure features the standard great great grandfather encounters, a distressed damsel, a gun fight, and your average old timey versions of everyday things in the future (I imagine the creators of Briscoe County Jr and Young Indiana Jones Chronicles taking notes). After all that stuff is over, the real steak with the sizzle comes. Doc and Martys master plan of pushing the DeLorean with a goddamn train finally happens. And its exactly what you would picture a DeLorean being pushed by a train would look like! Awesome!!! But, again, a hitch, the damsel shows back up and what should be the most touching characteristic move of the films, Doc, knowing he can't leave her to die in the inevitable train wreck (literally) bets on love, and stays behind to rescue Elf's step mom and sends Marty back to 1985 with the DeLorean, which promptly and ironically gets destroyed by a modern train. All is well, Martys time line restored, Doc is with his love in the era of history he specifically states earlier in the film was his favorite, and the machine is destroyed thus preventing further disruption. Then this happens...



Doc Brown was Steampunk before Steampunk was "cool"

  Doc Brown reappears at the wreckage of the DeLorean, in his new steam powered time traveling locomotive with his woman and a few children of the corn he must have found. Oh and to bring this cavalcade of batshit to it crescendo...after Doc and Marty say there proper good byes, Doc climbs into his Dr. Suessian contraption and it FLYS away!! It folds its wheels under itself, lifts up off the ground, AND FLYS AWAY!!!!!   Right now, from where ever you are reading this, say these words out loud "Christopher Lloyd climbs into his train and flys away". Taste that, tastes good huh!! That's the taste of the realization that one of our most beloved childhood movies ended with a man flying off in his TRAIN in 1985.
   I will always love these movies, for there heart, there lessons for life, and a man flying off in a train.
   
 Stay tuned for the next installment of Joey's Bloga Bloga
                          

January "River of Stones" Writing Challenge Day 1

The bottom of this post details this exciting 31 day writing challenge. I will be participating as I hope you will too!

Day 1:

  The start of opening a fresh bottle of soda is surprisingly exhilarating. It starts firm, holding fast, as you turn the cap, the seals give way one by one. As the outside air mixes with the carbonated gases inside it starts to fizz, bubbling up to the top. Those first few sips are so delicious, its so interesting how the taste and temperature slowly change, the taste less bubbly and temperature more warm.






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Start at the beginning...

    Here is post 1 in a new blog series from acclaimed nobody Joey Maxey. If you are reading this then congratulations, you are on the ground floor of an exciting new adventure. I want to welcome all readers to this experiment in self exploration. A day by day decent into the madness of a mind filled with and loving pop culture as well as spending years of being a member of the silent majority in the ever flaring war or conservatives and liberals, blue collars and big business, the haves and the wheres mines.  I personally have worked for the largest private employer in the world for over 15 years, as well as dabbled in private enterprises over the years. I've bathed in the waters of the forgiven, and disbelieved the purpose of such ritual. I've agonized in watching loved ones pass away and I've delighted in watching new ones grow.
     I have a vision for this page, a heading so to speak of of what you will find here, but first let me tell you what you wont find. First you will not find an arbitrary list of movies, books, TV shows, bands, etc that I like. Yes you will hear about those things from me here but I will pain stakingly be deconstructing such topics individually like any good self respecting/loathing nerd like myself would do. One day you may get a huge multi page article about why I hated the endings of Quantum Leap and Star Trek: Enterprise (spoiler alert- its doesn't involve Scott Bakula) the next post you may get some screen shots of some new action figures or toys coming out soon (LEGO LORD OF THE RINGS!!!!!). I love these sort of things and am exciting sharing my enthusiam for that.
     Secondly, it is my goal to be informed about what I may or may not take a stance on. Yes I may devote a page to the show Hey Dude, and yes that post will most likely be longer then say a post about religion or politics but really in all honesty, most peoples day to day lives are influenced by what they are personally into, not what they see on tv. Lately the sharing of a fake facebook post about a beat dog or sick kid who needs x amount of likes is the closest any one really gets to taking a stance on any one subject. A goal of mine in this series is that once a stance of mine is made you can be sure of two things, 1: I took some time to learn about whatever topic I posted, 2: I am in no way locked into my original stance or opinion. I am not without reason and can be proven wrong. I don't claim to be right in anything. I am tired of people just shouting at each other. There is a lack of discourse in the world and I welcome a conversation. No one is below talking to, there opinion is there point of view. I wanna hear what they, or you, have to say.
  Sorry, I veered off there for a moment.  Back to the original topic...
This blog series will be a hodge-podge, and menagerie, and cornucopia if you will, of different topics and observations. A recent concert, a local restaurant, a nostalgic waxing, rough cuts of comedy pieces, any thing is fair game and I will always be looking for more topics. This is were you the reader and follower come in. I welcome comments, questions, and concerns.  You can reach me here and you can reach me at my facebook JoeyMaxey@facebook.com as well as the soon to be coming email site.
  There is an old quote that is a favorite of mine the will be the underlining mission of this series: 
Welcome Lovers, Dreamers, and You"    - Kermit the Frog