The CARS 2 we needed, not the CARS 2 we deserved

   The Cars 2 we needed,

not the Cars 2 we deserved.

Not even with night vision goggles could we have seen this coming!

   Hello Blogladites!! Once again acclaimed nobody Joey here! Today I wanna talk about something that I can honestly say at first was no real 'biggie' for me, my life went along fine like a balloon in the wind, not a care in the world. But something has slowly started eating away at me until I found myself laying wide awake one evening, staring at the ceiling, convinced there was a piece of my soul missing. Then it hit me...CARS 2 was a terrible movie!! Not only was it bad, it was bad by Pixar standards, and if you know your Pixar movies then you know that it makes for an exceptionally well made and character driven turd.

   Now, having dealt with this terrible realization, I must warn of the fragile ledge into alcoholism this film leaves me perched on, but I would not be the Joey people have come to tolerate if I didn't dive in and overly critique this harmless children's movie. And by harmless I mean I'm sure there is a terribly disfigured portrait of John Lasseter in an attic some where. (more on this clunky Dorian Grey reference later)

    May 26th, 2006 movie theaters across the county unspooled a film called "Cars" by Disney/Pixar. The television and print adds to this movie were supported by a seemingly basic idea- "Hey you knows those weird cars from the Chevron commercials? Here's two hours of them! Also, Larry the Cable Guy!?" Speaking personally, had this film not had 'Pixar' in the title, I would never had seen it. But that weekend I watched a film that hit me emotionally like a proverbial ton of bricks.

     Cars 1 tells the tale of hot shot rookie race car Lightning McQueen who while on route to a championship Nascar-like race in California, runs afoul of a small town in the desert. Due to a wacky turn of events Lightning must stay in town and put right what once was wrong, Bakula-style. Along the way he befriends an imbecile and, being the only attractive 'male' car in town, falls in love with the local hottie. During his time in small town CarsUSA, Lightning learns the value of friendship, love, respect for elders, the hilarity of racial stereotypes, Larry the Cable Guy isn't funny in any medium, and an undieing love for route 66.

America: A Disney Company

   This movie was amazing, albeit inspired. Indeed, the plot of Cars is essentially a remake of a fairly unremarkable movie from 1991 called Doc Hollywood starring Micheal J Fox, Woody Harrelson, and Julie Wagner (who is someone apparently). Same premise really, hot shot someone on route to somewhere must stay in po-dunk somewhere else to fix accidentally caused hi jinks, lessons are learned on both sides. And there is an imbecile.

Get er' done...weed

  As I've stated Cars was amazing!! The movie, which could have been a one note series of cars-related puns and site gags was in fact a mix of action, and sentimentality. Highlighted in the narrative was a longing for simpler times, not only as a country but in ones own life. Whats more important: the hustle and bustle of everyday life, or the whimsy of waxing nostalgia. Although the movie was set in a crazy cars themed world with all its horrifying implications (again more on that later), the real world sentiment was there. Remove Racecar McRacingcar, and insert your self. Powerful stuff.
   I do not want to boast or brag, but for the interest of this article, I must share this because it conveys just how much this movie effected me and how much I loved it.


shame: thy name be merchandising

  This is a photo of my personal collection of Disney Cars toys. There are over 150 different carded cars including variants, repaints, two packs, minis, trucks, etc. Name a character I probably got it. Elvis RV, Fred, Dale Earnhardt Jr., a dozen different McQueens. So there's my shame laid out for the interwebs. But I make no apologies for the fondness I had for this movie.
  So imagine my surprise and excitement 3 long years ago when I heard that Pixar was making Cars 2. No plot points hinted, no screen shots, just a Cars 2 title card and the promise of fun, excitement, and...I don't know wishes granted?...I was too ecstatic to think straight.
   As the June 18th, 2011 approached, more and more pieces of the movie started being revealed thru the ad campaigns. New characters! Adventures around the world! Micheal Caine! There were no warning of the impending terribleness that was too follow.

Can you spot the difference?

   Cars 2 opens nationwide, during its theatrical run grosses a WTF $559,852,396. It stared the main cast of Cars, as well as adding Eddie Izzard, Bruce Campbell, Jason Isaacs, the aforementioned Micheal Caine, John Turturro, and Joe Montegna. It looked great, it was action packed it was...empty. Nothing, no heart, no soul, no anything. It was two hours of...nothing. Absolutely nothing. Oh here was something about alternative fuel, evil villainy?, and Larry the Cable Guy at his most Larry the Cable Guy-ey-est. Anything in the way of garnishing any emotional attachment was completely nonexistent.
    Cars 1 was inspired by Doc Hollywood, Cars 2 was inspired as well. Sadly it was inspired by the worst parts of a few other movies. First off, the whole world grand prix thing was taken almost directly from the movie Speed Racer, now I wont get into a tangent on the Speed Racer movie (OK I lied, I LOVE THE SPEED RACER MOVIE!!!! ITS FUNNY, ITS INSANE, ITS JUST PLAIN AWESOME) OK I'm back. But yeah, same set up and almost the same motivation, stage a big world wide race then sabotage your own interests to increase corporate profits on stocks or something. Pretty lack-luster really. Pixar didn't seem to learn from the mistakes that Speed Racer made...kids don't care about the inner workings of business embezzlement and things like that. Its what also hindered the Flintstones movie actually. 

      So yes, Cars 2 was terrible. But, like I said, it grossed almost 560 million. They are as we speak finishing up an entire Cars theme world at Disney California Adventures, and a direct to DVD spin-off called Planes. Inevitably I'm sure the Cars well will be returned to, and hopefully the return will be worth the trip. Toy Story 2, albeit enjoyed by me, was not as well received as it could have been, but Toy Story 3 was amazing!!

God your effing evil Lot-so!!

  Ok, I've rambled enough. Instead of complaining all day, I can at least offer some help. Some sage advice from a boy whose spent a more of his life then he cares to think about watching TV and movies. Instead of a traditional list tonight, I offer some random musings and thoughts on this awful movie. There is no rhyme or reason to these pondering, mostly just throwing them out there to stave off the call of the alcohol shakes.
   
                                                      Ways that would have improved
                                                   Cars 2: Patches Maters London Adventure
    *Cars 2 takes place 4 years or so after the events of Cars 1. Lightning McQueen has won the Piston Cup every year since. Jubilation!! That was a major plot driver in the first movie and the one thing that showed us what kind of character Lightning was. By quitting the race to help The King finish before him, he showed us his compassion, respect for his elders, and the powers of friendship.
In Cars 2 Lightning shows almost none of these characteristics. The movie shows McQueen returning to Radiator Springs, site of his racing head quarters, his best friend, his girl friend, and most likely, his own home. Yet, there is this awkward detachment from himself and his home town. He races a few months out of the year and is gone, when he returns its up to Mater to entertain him like he's never been there before. Radiator Springs is nice, but ideally if you've lived there for over 4 years, you have an idea at least of how to spend your days. Why was there such a detachment from the town?
     *Sadly Paul Newman passed before this movie was made. Wisely Pixar chose to acknowledge his passing by inferring that Doc Hudson had passed as well. In my opinion it was a classy move. It is nice to see beloved characters brought back to life by using equally talented actors, (Slinky Dog, Fillmore, etc) but this was a wise move because it put in place a devise to give the audience an emotional foot hold, so to speak. But, unfortunately this opportunity was wasted. A passing mention of him being gone, and that's it. Moving on, we gotta a road race in Italy to win! Ugh, such a wasted moment! Here is my thought: Why not have Cars 2 have two plots. One takes place in present time with Lightning and Mater being all racey. The second would be a simultaneous story of Young Doc Hudson competing in a similar race or similar set of circumstances. Young Doc could have easily been recast by a talented actor with a younger voice. Show the big race in 54 that took Doc out of the racing world and what lead him to Radiator Springs in the first place. Shoot, even Larry the Cable Guy could be there! They establish in Cars 1 that almost every character have been there since the hey-day of the town. Doc Hudson's heroes journey would make for a really good story.
     *One of the (many) things that I thought was off in Cars 2 was McQueen and Sallys relationship. That was a major plot point in the first movie, and again it is just skipped over. In the first film, Sally teaches McQueen that life can be more enjoyable if you slow down and relax. In Cars 2, McQueen returns from what we can assume was months away racing in the Piston Cup. First she justs laughs at McQueen and Maters funny antics, then out of nowhere she loses her shit over a thinly veiled taunt by a 'rival' whom she has the hots for, and pushes McQueen to leave again and take his buddy with him. Ok, we've established that this world is just a Car-ized real world. With real emotions and real relationships. Put your situation in that situation: you or your loved one leaves for months at a time for there work. A job where there is really no reason for you not to go with them. When they return home you would want to spend time with them, yet Sally immediately sends Lightning away with his Buddy. Would your husband/wife wish for you to just leave again if you were gone all the time? This time for no pay? All over the world, with your trouble making friend?
    *Speaking of Sally being out of character, what was with McQueen? The whole movie pretty much McQueen is embarrassed and is down right mean to Mater. They are best friends, yet he acts more ashamed of him now, after over 4 years, then he did the first week they met. Also, I know that Mater is the comic relief of this movie, but did he take 'Tard pills? He bumbles thru this movie with such 'dip-shitiness' (tm) that it seems if he were laying flat on the carpet he wouldn't have enough sense to turn his head and breathe. Here is a direct quote from John Lassiter about his inspiration for this film:
       "I kept looking out thinking, 'What would Mater do in this situation, you know?' I could imagine him driving around on the wrong side of the road in the UK, going around in big, giant traveling circles in Paris, on the autobahn in Germany, dealing with the motor scooters in Italy, trying to figure out road signs in Japan"
   Ok, that thought does seem funny John, but really? You have shown to be a master story teller. Wall-E, Up, you even helped make Mickey's Christmas Carol (another great film). I think the deal you made with the devil is winding down, I would think about covering up that picture of yourself in the attic. (told you I'd get back to the Dorian Grey reference).
    *The Villain: In Cars 1 you had a clear cut, easily identified villain. Chic Hicks. He was self involved, he was a bully, he was the bad guy. The sequel, who the hell knows. Dr. Z? Miles Axelrod? Bernolli? Or even better, why the convoluted plot? What is the motivation for anything. I'm an adult, I am learned, I have seen and followed Casino, yet I could not put my finger on this plot. Miles Axelrod develops and then sabotages his own alt-fuel, one that actually has real world benefits, just to increase the profits of his own crude oil resources? That is one way to increase your bottom line, give people distrust in your brand I guess. I don't know, I just don't see why 8 year old kids couldn't follow this logic.
      *Micheal Caine is the shit!! But doesn't it seem that he is sorta the Ted McGuinley of movies. Lets bring him in to boost the franchise, yet that doesn't seem to happen. Journey 2, Austin Powers 3, Jaws: The Revenge, now Cars 2. Hmmm  - by the way, bonus points for anyone who knows Ted McGuinley or the reference.
     *Wouldn't a movie about Stanley and Lizzie coming in and settling Radiator Springs and having everything all old timey and Car-izised be awesome!!!
   

  Alright, I can stop beating this dead horse. Cars 2 was full of action, lots of stuff to look at, and sadly a lot of effort went into it. Hopefully, enough interest in the future will garner another movie and hopefully all will be right in my Pixar loving Cars world. But until then, here is a my multimedia salute to Cars 2:

 I think for this article I want to leave you with one final thought. One final realization that I think will put everything into perspective as to the awfulness of this movie.

In Cars 2, a movie made for a core audience of children. A car who is a living breathing person in straight up murdered. His body is filled with a toxic chemical which is slowly microwaved until his very insides boil and he dies a slow, painful, horrendous death. 

Good night my friends, until next time.

Joey Maxey- acclaimed nobody